08th October....talk about kidding myself

Well the last few days I totally felt myself relapsing. I was eating under 1200cals again, now I'm really trying, but I cant help to stop weighing myself, today i am 134.7lbs, and for some reason I'm proud. Ridiculous aye? Well i just cant stop the thoughts i saw this girl that used to go to my secondary school, i never knew her she was in the year above me. But for some reason I thought I want to look like her, and i had some crazy idea that she was 120lbs, she probably wweighed the same as me maybe a little bit lower but not like 15lbs difference. Why do i get so obsessed. Guess what i contacted samaritans yesterday...why because after alot of thought I came to the conclusion I'm crazy, and they came back to me today, and yes made me feel like there was support but im still crazy. no-one can stop that apart from me. 
I was watching Waterloo Road last night, and i broke down in tears, that little boy called Harry is bulimic and i totally connected with him, but whilst my boyfriend obviously sympathised with the programme he still made unsensitive comments, and it made me feel like a freak, how could i ever tell him about the vomitting and laxatives, he wouldn't know what to do, he would hate me, called me crazy.
Well I've had alot of jam with porridge this week, and some peanut butter with porridge, but didn't manage to get any pics, been way too lazy to bother. Here are a few pics of a lunch I made and my dinner:

 

Well to be honest, i nearly gave up today it wasnt until i got a comment from VeggieKelly that i thought actually no I'm not going to get absorbed in my eating disorder, I'm going to do this and be healthy and achieve my goals.

04th October

Weekend worked out quite well foodwise, I must've eating over my intake both days, but tbh I didn't feel in control. I had a meal at my dads Saturday night, that I have no idea how many calories went in. and we went out for a meal yesterday so again I have no idea about calories and I had some chocolates and sweets and breakfast both days. I'm in love with jam in porridge atm.
75g oats, 225g skim milk and 30g blackcurrant reduced sugar jam.

 

Ohh I made a vegitarian frittata the other day and it was really nice and filling. I had it for my lunch friday.

 

I really think I should maybe eat more, that doesn't look like much, but at least its more than what I used to eat(which would just be the apple!) I had the porridge again this morning(yum), and this is what I'm having for my lunch today; sandwich with salsa, ham, and red pepper and then honey nut cornflakes and an apple and a hot chocolate. I have a thing about eating dry cereal, its like eating sweet crisps LOL. 

1st October...did it but ruined it

Well I told my boyfriend last night that I'm attempting to recover, so he brought me a packet of m&m's and made me crumpets so that I'd boost my calorie intake so yesterday I ended up eating 1727calories, but guess what stupid stupid stupid me decided I couldn't stand the bloating so I took 2 laxs last night while thats nothing compared to the 6-10 i used to take its still why do it. but at least i ate my calorie intake.
It made me feel full of energy that i ended up staying up until 11:30pm last night(which is late for me) and when i woke up this morning I was so tired and still full that I totally didn't want to touch my breakfast, but i still ate it, but i still look a lil pregnant due to the bloating.
Last night I went to the sexual health clinic to try and get my pill changed from mercilon to yasmin because my skin is awful and the bloating is doing my head in, and yasmin helps both of these. But because the pill is a new one in the last 3-4 years, the sexual health clinic don't have the budget to buy and provide the pill so they have told me to go to the doctor, I reli don't like my doctor tho, he makes me feel totally stupid.