Hi new(ish) people,
I'm stuck in a place in my life right now where I don't even know who i am except a stupid number: 135.3lbs. I know my life shouldn't be all about this number and how many cals I had or going to have, how many grams of fat, how many calories burnt, and what my deficit is and whether I'm getting smaller in inches,cm,kg,lbs, I even have spreadsheets(yep I'm a lil geeky, got glasses the uvaday to complete the geek LOL)
All this does not mean anything, whats my hopes and dreams, a goal weight can not be considered this. I don't know who i am. I know I'm confused though. I think I want to recover. I think I want to love myself. I think I want to rescue my relationship. I think I want to get married and have children. I think I want to own my own home. But guess what I think I want to be 120lbs, yep thats moved from 130lbs to 125lbs to now 120lbs, feels like a downwards circle. I think I want to see my bones, but I think I don't as well. I suppose this blog is all about me finding out who i am and getting through this eating disorder. I've managed to slowly up my cals from 350 a day to approx 1500-1200 atm, but its a struggle esp during work days. my maintenance calories is 1700cals, I reli need to be eating that, because I dont wana be skinny. just average. i just want to hide behind everything, noone notice me.
I'm stuck in a place in my life right now where I don't even know who i am except a stupid number: 135.3lbs. I know my life shouldn't be all about this number and how many cals I had or going to have, how many grams of fat, how many calories burnt, and what my deficit is and whether I'm getting smaller in inches,cm,kg,lbs, I even have spreadsheets(yep I'm a lil geeky, got glasses the uvaday to complete the geek LOL)
All this does not mean anything, whats my hopes and dreams, a goal weight can not be considered this. I don't know who i am. I know I'm confused though. I think I want to recover. I think I want to love myself. I think I want to rescue my relationship. I think I want to get married and have children. I think I want to own my own home. But guess what I think I want to be 120lbs, yep thats moved from 130lbs to 125lbs to now 120lbs, feels like a downwards circle. I think I want to see my bones, but I think I don't as well. I suppose this blog is all about me finding out who i am and getting through this eating disorder. I've managed to slowly up my cals from 350 a day to approx 1500-1200 atm, but its a struggle esp during work days. my maintenance calories is 1700cals, I reli need to be eating that, because I dont wana be skinny. just average. i just want to hide behind everything, noone notice me.
