Wednesday 31 October 2012
Friday 8 October 2010
08th October....talk about kidding myself
Well the last few days I totally felt myself relapsing. I was eating under 1200cals again, now I'm really trying, but I cant help to stop weighing myself, today i am 134.7lbs, and for some reason I'm proud. Ridiculous aye? Well i just cant stop the thoughts i saw this girl that used to go to my secondary school, i never knew her she was in the year above me. But for some reason I thought I want to look like her, and i had some crazy idea that she was 120lbs, she probably wweighed the same as me maybe a little bit lower but not like 15lbs difference. Why do i get so obsessed. Guess what i contacted samaritans yesterday...why because after alot of thought I came to the conclusion I'm crazy, and they came back to me today, and yes made me feel like there was support but im still crazy. no-one can stop that apart from me.
I was watching Waterloo Road last night, and i broke down in tears, that little boy called Harry is bulimic and i totally connected with him, but whilst my boyfriend obviously sympathised with the programme he still made unsensitive comments, and it made me feel like a freak, how could i ever tell him about the vomitting and laxatives, he wouldn't know what to do, he would hate me, called me crazy.
Well I've had alot of jam with porridge this week, and some peanut butter with porridge, but didn't manage to get any pics, been way too lazy to bother. Here are a few pics of a lunch I made and my dinner:
I was watching Waterloo Road last night, and i broke down in tears, that little boy called Harry is bulimic and i totally connected with him, but whilst my boyfriend obviously sympathised with the programme he still made unsensitive comments, and it made me feel like a freak, how could i ever tell him about the vomitting and laxatives, he wouldn't know what to do, he would hate me, called me crazy.
Well I've had alot of jam with porridge this week, and some peanut butter with porridge, but didn't manage to get any pics, been way too lazy to bother. Here are a few pics of a lunch I made and my dinner:
Well to be honest, i nearly gave up today it wasnt until i got a comment from VeggieKelly that i thought actually no I'm not going to get absorbed in my eating disorder, I'm going to do this and be healthy and achieve my goals.
Monday 4 October 2010
04th October
Weekend worked out quite well foodwise, I must've eating over my intake both days, but tbh I didn't feel in control. I had a meal at my dads Saturday night, that I have no idea how many calories went in. and we went out for a meal yesterday so again I have no idea about calories and I had some chocolates and sweets and breakfast both days. I'm in love with jam in porridge atm.
75g oats, 225g skim milk and 30g blackcurrant reduced sugar jam.
75g oats, 225g skim milk and 30g blackcurrant reduced sugar jam.
Ohh I made a vegitarian frittata the other day and it was really nice and filling. I had it for my lunch friday.
I really think I should maybe eat more, that doesn't look like much, but at least its more than what I used to eat(which would just be the apple!) I had the porridge again this morning(yum), and this is what I'm having for my lunch today; sandwich with salsa, ham, and red pepper and then honey nut cornflakes and an apple and a hot chocolate. I have a thing about eating dry cereal, its like eating sweet crisps LOL.
Friday 1 October 2010
1st October...did it but ruined it
Well I told my boyfriend last night that I'm attempting to recover, so he brought me a packet of m&m's and made me crumpets so that I'd boost my calorie intake so yesterday I ended up eating 1727calories, but guess what stupid stupid stupid me decided I couldn't stand the bloating so I took 2 laxs last night while thats nothing compared to the 6-10 i used to take its still why do it. but at least i ate my calorie intake.
It made me feel full of energy that i ended up staying up until 11:30pm last night(which is late for me) and when i woke up this morning I was so tired and still full that I totally didn't want to touch my breakfast, but i still ate it, but i still look a lil pregnant due to the bloating.
Last night I went to the sexual health clinic to try and get my pill changed from mercilon to yasmin because my skin is awful and the bloating is doing my head in, and yasmin helps both of these. But because the pill is a new one in the last 3-4 years, the sexual health clinic don't have the budget to buy and provide the pill so they have told me to go to the doctor, I reli don't like my doctor tho, he makes me feel totally stupid.
It made me feel full of energy that i ended up staying up until 11:30pm last night(which is late for me) and when i woke up this morning I was so tired and still full that I totally didn't want to touch my breakfast, but i still ate it, but i still look a lil pregnant due to the bloating.
Last night I went to the sexual health clinic to try and get my pill changed from mercilon to yasmin because my skin is awful and the bloating is doing my head in, and yasmin helps both of these. But because the pill is a new one in the last 3-4 years, the sexual health clinic don't have the budget to buy and provide the pill so they have told me to go to the doctor, I reli don't like my doctor tho, he makes me feel totally stupid.
Thursday 30 September 2010
30th September... true beginning
Hi new(ish) people,
I'm stuck in a place in my life right now where I don't even know who i am except a stupid number: 135.3lbs. I know my life shouldn't be all about this number and how many cals I had or going to have, how many grams of fat, how many calories burnt, and what my deficit is and whether I'm getting smaller in inches,cm,kg,lbs, I even have spreadsheets(yep I'm a lil geeky, got glasses the uvaday to complete the geek LOL)
All this does not mean anything, whats my hopes and dreams, a goal weight can not be considered this. I don't know who i am. I know I'm confused though. I think I want to recover. I think I want to love myself. I think I want to rescue my relationship. I think I want to get married and have children. I think I want to own my own home. But guess what I think I want to be 120lbs, yep thats moved from 130lbs to 125lbs to now 120lbs, feels like a downwards circle. I think I want to see my bones, but I think I don't as well. I suppose this blog is all about me finding out who i am and getting through this eating disorder. I've managed to slowly up my cals from 350 a day to approx 1500-1200 atm, but its a struggle esp during work days. my maintenance calories is 1700cals, I reli need to be eating that, because I dont wana be skinny. just average. i just want to hide behind everything, noone notice me.
I'm stuck in a place in my life right now where I don't even know who i am except a stupid number: 135.3lbs. I know my life shouldn't be all about this number and how many cals I had or going to have, how many grams of fat, how many calories burnt, and what my deficit is and whether I'm getting smaller in inches,cm,kg,lbs, I even have spreadsheets(yep I'm a lil geeky, got glasses the uvaday to complete the geek LOL)
All this does not mean anything, whats my hopes and dreams, a goal weight can not be considered this. I don't know who i am. I know I'm confused though. I think I want to recover. I think I want to love myself. I think I want to rescue my relationship. I think I want to get married and have children. I think I want to own my own home. But guess what I think I want to be 120lbs, yep thats moved from 130lbs to 125lbs to now 120lbs, feels like a downwards circle. I think I want to see my bones, but I think I don't as well. I suppose this blog is all about me finding out who i am and getting through this eating disorder. I've managed to slowly up my cals from 350 a day to approx 1500-1200 atm, but its a struggle esp during work days. my maintenance calories is 1700cals, I reli need to be eating that, because I dont wana be skinny. just average. i just want to hide behind everything, noone notice me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)